March 23, 2025  Parashat Pekudei   A Disguised Dementia Story

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Part of Parashat Pekudei is as if someone said, let's write about dementia and disguise it as being a story in the Torah.  My experience with the dementia version is that I can have a normal day with the balance I'm used to between mind/thinking and guts/feeling.  On such days I carry on my usual activities with minor variations.  On other days the situation is much different -- I feel that my brain is having difficulty functioning, I'm disoriented, and I need to sit in order to get back into brain-balance.  I've found that going to the Botanic Gardens is particularly good for this with plenty of quiet, gently flowing water, and a feeling of connection with the natural world.  With whatever amount of time it takes the effect of my Early-Stage Dementia condition returns to its standard for this period and I can return to normal activity.

 

Exodus Chapter 40 uses two verses to express this in Torah terms.  Verse 36 describes my normal active condition: "And whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the children of Israel went onward, throughout all their journeys".  Verse 37 describes my "Botanic Garden" days with heaviness in my brain: "But if the cloud was not taken up, then they journeyed not till the day that it was taken up".

 

Clear conditions mean carrying on with normal activities, and clouds mean things come to a halt.  It's the same story for the Tabernacle and for me with my dementia condition, just with different words.  At least it makes me comfortable that I'm doing the right thing and following the leader that's right for me.

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March 30, 2025  Parashat Vayikra - Is the Mitzvah Half Full or Half Empty?

 

The portion of Vayikra tells of the animal sacrifices that people bring to be absolved of different sins.  Usually what is being sacrificed depends on the sin, but if the sinner is a person with dementia or similar condition ("though he know it not") the sacrifice is different.  Leviticus 4:27-28 describes the sacrifice of a fully functioning person, and Leviticus 5:18 describes the sacrifice for the same sin of a person with dementia.  What is the difference?  The person with dementia brings the animal just as the fully-functioning person does, but leaves it for the priest to do the ceremony and killing that the fully-functioning person does himself.  The person with dementia physically does less -- so is his fulfillment of the mitzvah half-full, because at least he did something, or half-empty, because he did less than the fully functioning person?

 

The Torah provides the answer in the next verse.  Leviticus 5:19 is a peculiar five-word verse of which three words are exactly the same -- "guilty".  The Torah is making it clear that the sin is the same and the guilt is the same for both the people.  The difference between them is that the fully-functioning person is operating from his thinking for both his sin and his punishment.  The person with dementia had less thought-capability and more feeling-capability when he did the sin and also when he received his punishment.  For this person the expanded and intense feelings of guilt as described in the last verse, which the fully-functioning person would not feel, are part of his punishment.  Similarly the person with dementia would not understand the meaning of the ceremony and killing so there would be no repentance-value in doing them.

 

Is the Mitzvah half full or half empty?  The Mitzvah is completely full.  We see that it's full when we realize that thinking and feeling are both valuable parts of a Mitzvah, and that the two together make the Mitzvah full.

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April 6 2025  Parashat Tzav    The Light of Love and the Light of Law

 

The contrast couldn't be more stunning: Love and Law.

 

A few weeks ago, at the beginning of the portion of Tetzaveh, we read about the Light of Love.  It is a simple Love, from the heart, unifying and bringing everyone together, self-motivating from the power of Love.  In Exodus 27:20 the People of Israel are told one time to bring oil for the Eternal Light, and in Exodus 27:21 the priests are told one time to keep the fire burning.  That was enough -- it is not mentioned again, because the Light of Love, from side to side and top to bottom within the people, is the strongest and most durable power there is.  Even the name of that portion gives this feeling.  Tetzaveh -- Moses if you need to tell the people in the future to keep the Light of Love burning then do so, but you may not even need to.

 

And this week's portion of Tzav?  The Law has taken over, the bureaucracy is in place, the activity has become the mechanical carrying out of rules.  Five times in the five verses of Leviticus 2-6 the priests are told to keep the fire burning.  They are told what to do repeatedly and the Light is the Light of Law -- they understand in their mind what they should do but they constantly need to be re-minded from an outside source to do it, the Light of Law is much weaker and more transitory than the Light of Love.  It is not from within but rather from without and so needs constant pushing.  Even the name of this portion expresses this -- Tzav, Command, the feeling of cold and brutal and distant.

 

The sharp contrast between the Light of Love and the Light of Law helps us make clear the choice we have.  Each of us chooses whether to bring the Light of Love or the Light of Law into the world in what we do, how we do it, and what flame we ourselves are that shines into the world.  When looked at in this way the condition of dementia takes on a new light, so to speak.  The deterioration of the mind/thought and the increased place for guts/feeling that it leaves moves us almost "without thinking" to radiate the Light of Love that comes from within us and expresses our authentic selves in our own light.

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April 13, 2025  Passover, Joy of Liberation

 

The holiday of Passover is all about Liberation, in particular the Liberation of the Children of Israel from the harsh enslavement in Egypt.  The Liberation is celebrated for eight days and includes special foods, rituals, and a festive family atmosphere.

 

Dementia is a form of Oppression for people who have the condition of dementia and for the family around that person.  Dementia enslaves the person by lowering the person's mental capabilities, brings physical challenges to performing even simple everyday activities, and can bring a person to a state of non-functionality.  This is enslavement of body, mind, spirit, and being.

 

Like Passover, this enslavement brings Liberation.  It is not a one-time Liberation but a Liberation in how the person lives their life, not an external fleeing from Egypt but an internal adjustment to the decrease in thinking and increase in feelings that dementia brings as described at Feelingfulness.com.  This Liberation includes:

 

Liberation from thinking so much and instead feeling more

Liberation from norms that I've lived by and instead discover and do what's true for me

Liberation from the noise of the surroundings and instead listen to my guts tell me what's authentic for me

Liberation from habits and instead connect with what I love in my heart

Liberation from things that close me up and instead have openness to express and to do what I feel.

 

In addition to internal Liberation, the Liberation of dementia also brings new ways of relating to the world.  A new song that this part of Liberation brings is described at LivingDyingDuet.com.

 

May this Holiday of Liberation inspire those of us with dementia to find the areas of Liberation that come with this horrible condition.

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April 14, 2025  Chol HaMoed Passover     Dementia, the Ultimate Enslavement

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Dementia is ultimately the loss  of every freedom -- physical, mental, and emotional.  And the symbol of becoming completely non-functional is brutal: to become a pillar of salt.  In fact the 13 verses of Genesis 19:14-26 that tell the story of Lot's wife is a verse-by-verse/step-by-step telling of the story of decline into dementia, of complete loss of freedom:

 

Genesis 19:14 - Lot’s wife and her family realize that something is different about her, that she has changed from her earlier self and this affects her relationship with her family.  This is reflected in the fact that Lot’s wife is not mentioned in Genesis 19:14 in which Lot mentions his daughters and their husbands but not his wife.  This feeling of separation from the past which the person feels, or fear and distancing which the people surrounding the person feel, is natural but very damaging to all.  

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Genesis 19:14 (continuation) - shows a chilling but common reaction to a person entering the dementia condition.  As drastic as the realization of the changing of condition is -- at the level of “HaShem will destroy the city” -- so is the natural inclination to deprecate or deny it as the sons-in-law thought Lot was joking about his wife’s condition.

 

Genesis 19:15 - the angels counter this inclination to isolate Lot's wife by telling Lot to take his two daughters and his wife who are found with him.  This phrase emphasizes not only the fact of the formal family relationship but also their closeness as a family -- those who are found with him.  Lot’s wife is not to face this condition alone but should seek and be given support from the family and by extension from the community in dealing with her condition.

 

Genesis 19:16 - together Lot and his family, reluctantly but with no choice, leave their known world and together enter the world of dementia.

 

Genesis 19:17-22 - the word “escape” appears repeatedly.  The family urgently seeks ways out of the situation they have been put in, as people do today -- is there a way to slow down the dementia process?  With all the research is there a way to reverse dementia?  Escape from a bad situation is instinctive as is seeking any route of escape, anything which might keep the horrible dementia condition at bay.

 

Genesis 19:23 -- a new option appears, the option to bring beautiful shining light into this horrible darkness and black future.  “The sun was risen upon the earth” is how this verse describes it.  Lot’s wife, her family, and the community can acknowledge and accept this horrible situation, and instead of focusing on the suffering and loss of future it is bringing they can choose to bring their attention to whatever light they can bring into the world during this horrible period.  This light is even brighter and more special than other things that the family has brought into the world, because they are doing it in the face of the darkness of dementia and death.  For Lot’s wife in particular this light will shine on long after she becomes a pillar of salt and passes on -- it is the mark she leaves on the world.

 

Genesis 19:24-25 --following this period of light, the reality of brimstone and fire -- of people and life destroyed, of the ever-increasing impact of the dementia condition -- are expressed clearly.  The situation brings its impact on Lot’s wife as her decline continues which for her amounts to disintegration of her mental and physical capabilities.  Because of her dementia condition she is unable to take care of herself physically and her connection with the world is disappearing.

 

Mental decline is first of all the loss of thoughtfulness, planning, and being able to look to the future.  After awareness of the future is lost the next stage is that awareness of the present declines and goes away -- the person is unaware of reality, their situation, or anything else in their current world.  An example of this is when a person continually asks when their spouse will come to visit, even though they’ve been told repeatedly that the spouse is dead.

 

Genesis 19:26 - the final mental capability is to have some dim recollection of things or events of long ago, as long-term memory -- to “look back” -- is still slightly available.  While Lot’s wife was still able to look back, that’s what she did but not out of choice -- her ability to look to the future and the present were closed off to her by her condition.  As  Genesis 19:26 tells us, after she had looked back at her distant past and reached the point that even that had disappeared for her, the next stage in the dementia process was that she was non-functional as a person physically, mentally, and emotionally.  She became a non-functional tower of salt.

 

The Torah’s ultimate statement of the horrible destruction that dementia brings is that even though Lot’s wife had a name while she was alive, her identity was so decimated by dementia that the Torah only describes her as “Lot’s wife” without even having a name/identity of her own.  Or -- perhaps she has no name because she is a universal symbol of dementia?

 

The Torah’s expression of dementia through the story of Lot’s wife provides us guidance and insight on how we should proceed if we have such a condition or relate to people in various stages of this condition.  The narrative continues to be the same today -- awareness of the condition of dementia, getting support from the family and community, deciding how to live life in the face of this horrible situation including the choice to bring light to the world however possible, preparing for death, and finally departing this world.

 

Dementia is the ultimate enslavement.  Our freedom is in how we relate to it -- do we let this ultimate Pharaoh destroy us, or do we find ways to maintain our humanness even as this horrible condition progresses.

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April 20, 2025  Parashat Shmini      A Screaming Silence

 

This week's portion of Shmini provides a moment that expresses what is an ongoing reality from within dementia.  This moment helps fully-functional people to get some feel for one aspect of the impact of dementia.  It does so in an incredibly human way, as opposed to the platitudes and philosophizing that are often used in such a situation.

 

The story told in Leviticus 10:1-3 is one of extremes that already gives us a glimpse into the extreme and surreal world of dementia.  In verse 1, Aaron's sons Nadav and Avihu put some incense into the fire they are preparing as an offering to Hashem.  We are not told of their intentions -- for example, if they saw this addition as an enhancement to their offering, if they were taking the first step to setting up a separate cult, etc.  Verse 2 makes clear Hashem's swift and severe response to their action: he sent fire that consumed them, incinerated them.  There was no reprimand, no instruction to bring a sacrifice for whatever sin they committed, no way out.  Like dementia, the final judgement came together with the initial response.

 

In verse 3, after Aaron's two sons have been instantly and inexplicably destroyed, Moses comes to Aaron with platitudes and philosophies about holiness and honor.  This is the comfort that Moses is able to offer to Aaron.

 

The two words that are used to describe Aaron's response to this situation speak volumes: Vayidom Aharon, Aaron was silent.  Not silent in the sense of sheket quiet but silence in the sense of dumiyah -- deep, heart-wrenching silence in the face of the unspeakably painful.

 

For the person with dementia who was once full of thoughts and feelings and ways of expressing, and now can't even put together a complete sentence, this is the silence that makes up the person's life.
 

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April 27, 2025   Parashat Tazria-Metzora   You Don't Look Like You Have Leprosy

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"You don't look like you have dementia".  This is a response that people with Early-Stage Dementia often get when they tell someone about their condition.  On one hand this is very understandable, as a common image of someone with dementia is one who is drooling from the mouth and unable to speak a complete sentence.  On the other hand this response ignores the reality of the condition, which a person may have for a long time without even realizing it themself.  The obvious/extreme and the hidden/subtle are both part of the dementia condition that so many people are facing and dealing with.

 

This week's double-portion of Tazria-Metzora parallels this dementia situation and helps us to understand it and relate to it.  Some of the conditions described in this portion are very obvious such as a woman who gives birth.  The clarity of this condition extends even deeper as the portion relates to whether the new-born is male or female.  This is parallel to a person whose dementia condition is readily visible.

 

Other conditions in this week's portion are much more difficult to identify and relate to.  A certain skin condition requires repeated close examination of very detailed characteristics over a period of time.  Anyone who has been through the MRI/MoCA sequence of examining for dementia will readily recognize this examination of the skin condition.

 

Parts of this week's portion of Tazria-Metzora carry the message "you don't look like you have leprosy" just like a person with Early-Stage Dementia hears "you don't look like you have dementia".  In some ways Tazria-Metzora is a Biblical version of the modern dementia story in terms of the method of diagnosis, although very much different than the horrible process and result that dementia brings.

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May 4, 2025   Parashat Acharei Mot-Kidoshim     The Living~Dying Duet

 

The strong contrast between the way this week's double-portion begins and what is written in the book of Ecclesiastes is striking and gives us insight into the dementia way of seeing the world.

 

The well-known passage in Ecclesiastes 3:1 describes the cycle of life and death: "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born and a time to die".  This is completely straightforward, simple, and in accordance with the way we think -- first you live, then you die.

 

This contrasts strongly with the opening of this week's Torah portion of Acharei Mot at Leviticus 16:1, "after the death of Aaron's two sons".  This puts us in a topsy-turvy world of life and death.  In Leviticus 10:1, six chapters earlier, Aaron's two sons Nadav and Avihu were alive and well and carrying out their priestly functions.  Then in the very next verse they are struck dead, life turns into death in quite a peculiar way.  Following this are five chapters that deal with very life-oriented topics such as ejaculation and giving birth.  Now the Torah returns back to the death of Aaron's two sons, and proceeds again to talk about life culminating in attaining holiness in Leviticus 19:2.  This is not the standard view of life-then-death described in Ecclesiastes, rather the Torah is taking us through the dementia view of life-then-death-then-life-then-death-then-life.

 

What is this dementia view of life and death that the Torah is presenting here?  It is that Living and Dying flow together, that both Living and Dying are processes that are occurring at the same time, that from my Early-Stage Dementia perspective I can say that knowing that I am dying is making my living richer, and that living more fully makes my dying more meaningful.  This flow between Living, Dying, and me is the Living~Dying Duet and is described at LivingDyingDuet.com with the phrase "When Living and Dying Dance a Duet, What Music Will You Play?".

 

The many-step flow of living and dying that continues in this week's portion is the Torah's way of telling us that the standard life-then-death of Ecclesiates is a very simplified view, and that living and dying are dancing a far more complex duet in each person's life.

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May 15, 2025     Lag B'Omer    A Mystic Day that Demonstrates Dementia

 

Lag B'Omer is a day that honors Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, the author of the Zohar.  The Zohar is a book that contains the teachings of the Kabbalah which is the mystical dimension of the Torah.

 

While Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai brought the mystic mode to Torah, his actions describe dementia and how dementia appears and progresses.  When a person is first diagnosed with dementia a period of shock sets in, in which relating to the dementia becomes the dominant if not the sole focus of the person's thoughts and feelings.  Even eating becomes far less important than usual.  A cave is a good image of this period of a person's dementia, as the person is closed off from life as the person previously knew it and from the surrounding world.  Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai spent 12 years in a cave, eating only dates and carob fruit, closed off from life as he previously knew it and from the surrounding world.

 

At some point in the darkness of dementia a person seeks to "return to normal" and go back out to the world, but this is very difficult.  For a person with dementia the world does not look it had before, and dementia remains the primary feature of the person's life.  Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai ventured out of the cave but was unable to relate to the outside world, and returned to the cave for 12 more months.

 

A person with dementia realizes that even with dementia and dying being so present, living goes on so that living and dying are both present in a person's life.  This realization includes the view that living and dying are dancing together in the person's life, they are dancing the Living~ Dying Duet.  When Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai emerged from the cave again and saw a person hurrying home to prepare for the Sabbath, he realized how much good there is in life and came out of the cave to continue living even while the part of him that lived in the cave continued.

 

The activity that results from the story of Lag B'Omer shows the devastation of dementia and its horrible results.  One way of celebrating Lag B'Omer is to light large bonfires.  Fire consumes, fire destroys, fire spreads and burns everything it touches.  Dementia consumes, dementia destroys, dementia burns the person with dementia, the person's family, the community, and everything else it touches.

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May 11, 2025   Parashat Emor    The Jewish Community is All-Inclusive

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There is a more-than-striking contrast between the first two chapters of the Torah portion of Emor, Leviticus 21 and 22, and the second two chapters of Emor, Leviticus 23 and 24.

 

The first two chapters are on the personal level, and talk about a person with a blemish "moom" or is unclean "tamei".  People with these conditions are limited in the ceremonial acts they are allowed to perform.  The Torah uses these phrases as a general description of anyone who is out of the ordinary, and then provides examples of what they are referring to.  The examples are in the physical realm, and in the mental/cognitive realm dementia would be included as out of the ordinary.

 

The second two chapters are on the communal level, and talk about the holy days that the Jewish people are to observe.  On the communal level there is no mention of blemish or uncleanness.  The Jewish community includes all of the children of Israel whatever their condition might be: this section of Emor starts with the phrase "speak unto the children of Israel".  This phrase includes all the children of Israel without distinction -- the Jewish community is all-inclusive, and not only should allow participation of all its members but should go further and actively ensure the inclusion of all its members in community activities.

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May 18, 2025      Parashat Behar-Bechukotai     Respite for the Caregiver from the Caregiver Role

 

The Torah portion of Behar-Bechukotai starts by making a comparison that doesn't work.  Leviticus 25:2 says "When ye come into the land which I give you, then shall the land keep a Sabbath unto the Lord".  Keeping the Sabbath related to the people had been described in Exodus 20:8-11, that the people should do no work.  But this does not apply to the land keeping a Sabbath -- Leviticus 25:3-7 does not say that there is any difference in what the land does, but rather it is the people that stop their work related to the land "thou shalt neither sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard".  It is not that the land ceases its work, rather that the people are to cease their work related to the land.  The way this is presented it is not readily clear, but when viewed from a dementia perspective it is a clearly-felt part of life.

 

The Torah commentators may explain this as they will, but for anyone in the world of dementia the Torah's message jumps out not just as a huge relief but in many cases as a necessity for continuing to function.  Having something or someone that requires continual care, be it agricultural land or a relative with dementia, is very demanding in many ways -- physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and interpersonally among other ways.  In both agriculture and dementia it is harder to be the Caregiver, the farmer or the family-member, than it is to be the object of care, the land or the patient.

 

This portion is not only advising but insisting that the Caregiver be given a break from the Caregiving task.  The human cost of non-stop heavy-burden work can go beyond human capability.  Reading this portion speaks directly to Caregivers however they may be connected to the patient -- "for thee, and for thy servant and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant and for the settler by thy side that sojourn with thee" -- anyone in the position of dementia Caregiver must be given periodic respite.  As with the land, this is necessary for the Caregiver and in doing this there is benefit for the land and the patient as well.

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May 25, 2025   Parashat B'Midbar       B'Midbar: In the Dementia Desert

 

This week's Torah portion describes a person's journey in the desert (B'Midbar) of dementia.  At first you don't even know you're in the Dementia Desert.  It starts with a few names like are listed in B'Midbar 1:5-15 --  you know them but just can't recall them, it just feels like an early sign of aging but nothing more.  Along comes B'Midbar 1:20-2:34 and names become overwhelming, and along with names other information starts to slip from mind -- who is this person, where do I know them from, what day of the week is it, what was I about to do?  The Dementia Desert is growing larger and you realize you're limited from what you were before.  To get by you need to be more focused.  B'Midbar 3:2-39 is about relating to a smaller number of people and trying to do a smaller number of activities.  Then it comes down to repetition of a simple activity and protection from trying more -- B'Midbar 4:4-16 describes simply putting covers on particular objects and moving them from here to there, with a strict constraint against doing anything more.

 

From B'Midbar the Dementia Desert there is no escape, there are only more and more limitations on what the mind and the body of the person who is there are capable of doing.

 

So what does the Torah tell us to do?  B'Midbar 4:18 tells the people of Israel that it is their responsibility to include and guide people who are in the Dementia Desert similar to the instruction "Cut ye not off the tribe of the families of the Kohathites from among the Levites".  And for those of us who are in the Dementia Desert it is up to each of us to realize how devastating the Dementia Desert is, and to see how to go "to his service and to his burden" as B'Midbar 4:19 says.

 

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June 1, 2025     Parashat Nasso     The Priestly Blessing: May You Be Blessed With Feelings

 

The weekly portion of Nasso beautifully illustrates the difference between mind/thinking and gut/feeling.  Mind/thinking is what dementia takes away from a person -- starting with MCI Mild Cognitive Impairment dementia is defined as a reduction in a person's mind capabilities including decreased thinking from what the person was able to do previously.  Gut/feeling is a different way of a person relating to themself and their world.  This connection is not through the mind and thought but rather through the guts and how a person feels about different things without the mind being involved.  Dementia reduces a person's mind/thinking activity which frees up space for the person's gut/feeling activity.  This gut/feeling activity is developed as part of the dementia process.

 

From its very beginning at Numbers 4:21 Nasso is mostly a recital of facts and actions.  The section 4:21-4:49 defines who should do what, section 5:1-6:21 describes rules to be followed in various situations, and section 7:1-7:89 continues to define who should do what.  These are all mind/thinking activities as a person is to understand instructions and carry them out.

 

Placed within these are the six verses of Numbers 6:22-6:27 that are completely different than the rest of the portion of Nasso.  Numbers 6:22-6:23 show the high-level importance of these verses -- these verses are no less than the Priestly Blessing with which Aaron and his sons bless the People of Israel.  These are the highest-level blessings that a person can receive from another person.  And they are not blessings that are to be thought about or considered; rather, these highest-level blessings go directly to a person's gut and relate fully to the person's feelings.  The Priestly Blessing is that the feelings that a person feels are those described in Numbers 6:24-6:27 and are the feelings of fulfillment, security, enlightenment, connection, uplifting, and peace.  The Torah expresses these feelings that the Priestly Blessing provides to a person in this way:

24 The LORD bless thee, and keep thee; 

25 The LORD make His face to shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee; 

26 The LORD lift up His countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. 

27 So shall they put My name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them.

The Priestly Blessing is most present for a person who receives it less/not at all through mind/thinking but rather more/completely through gut/feeling -- a condition that increases and becomes stronger in the early stages of dementia.  In this way the Priestly Blessing is received by a person more completely when the person's gut/feeling, these dementia characteristics, are more fully developed and have taken their place aside the person's mind/thinking.

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June 8, 2025     Parashat Beha'alotcha       Moses like a Dementia Caregiver​

 

This week's Torah portion of Beha'alotcha starts out with a standard approach to tasks that need to be performed -- in Numbers 8:1-4 Moses gets Aaron's help in lighting the lamps, and in Numbers 8:5-26 the Levites carry out a number of ritual tasks as Hashem commands Moses.  While all of this is serious work it is organized in such a way that Moses is not overwhelmed by it.

 

The picture is much different when the task involves dealing with people and Moses is left to do it alone.  Numbers 11:1-10 tells how difficult and unhappy the people have become because their circumstances have changed and their life isn't as it used to be -- parallel to the change in behavior and personality of a person who enters the dementia condition and falls deeper and deeper into it.  Each verse of Numbers 11:11-15 shows the increasing distress and despair that Moses feels as he tries to give care to the people -- (11) Hashem are you mad at me?  (12) Is their condition my fault?  (13) They are demanding things I cannot provide.  (14) I am overwhelmed by this situation, it is too much for me.  (15) Hashem do me a favor, kill me and put me out of my misery, I have become too wretched to continue living.  These feelings and the caregiver's descent into desperation are familiar to caregivers for people with dementia.

 

The Torah provides its way of dealing with the caregiver's burden simply and succinctly in Numbers 11:16-17: get help.  In these two verses Hashem tells Moses to find 70 reliable people, and that Hashem will train these people to be caregivers at the level of Moses and they will share the caregiving burden with Moses.

 

In Parashat Beha'alotcha the Torah continues to provide guidance on how to deal with all aspects of dementia, and even more important is that the Torah clearly presents the message that dealing with dementia is a communal activity and the community is responsible to make sure that nobody, patient or caregiver, has to deal with dementia alone.

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June 15, 2025      Parashat Shlach     Caleb: The Promised Land of Mindfulness + Feelingfulness

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The Torah portion of Shlach tells a story to describe an aspect of Early-Stage Dementia for which there are not words in the English language, but an aspect that is so important that it alone got Caleb into the Promised Land.  It is that as Early-Stage Dementia reduces a person's Mind activity ("MCI", Mild Cognitive Impairment) it frees up space in the person for increased Feeling activity ("MEE", Mild Emotional Enhancement, which is a term that does not exist in English).  This is described at MCIandMEE.com.  The Shlach story uses grapes as the symbol of the measurable/mind way of relating to the land: Numbers 13:23 tells that the cluster of grapes was so large that it was hung from a pole carried by two men.  When they are evaluating the land of Canaan objectively, when they are relating to the land through Mindfulness, all twelve men agree that based on a mind-measure it is physically a good land.

 

There is also another way to relate to the land as well as to everything else in the world: through feeling.  That Caleb had a special ability to feel in addition to his ability to think is laid out both explicitly and implicitly in this story.  Numbers 14:24 says that Caleb had "another spirit", his ability to think was matched by his ability to feel.  Numbers 13:6 says that Caleb came from the tribe of Judah, and it was Judah alone among the twelve sons of Israel that was able to connect emotionally with Joseph in Genesis 44:18.  Even his name, Caleb - he's "all heart" - points to how much feeling was a part of him.  None of the other men who visited Canaan had this ability to connect with their own feelings and express them, but rather were confined by their history, their fears, and their reactivity according to how Numbers 13:28 describes their report: no way, the people and cities are stronger than we are and we saw some very big people there.  Caleb's approach was very different than this: in Numbers 13:30 he uses his own quiet to try to calm the people and have them connect with their own feelings rather than the "noise" around them, but was unsuccessful.  The approach that Caleb used, Feelingfulness, is described at Feelingfulness.com ("Feelingfulness" is a word that does not exist in English).  Of the twelve men sent to Canaan, only Caleb has these qualities that will allow him to literally reach the Promised Land (Numbers 14:24): "But My servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him and was authentic in following Me, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it".  This is a strong and special endorsement of the balance of Mindfulness and Feelingfulness in Caleb's behavior, which is the balance of MCI and MEE.

 

The story that is told in Shlach tells us much about the Mind/Feeling aspects of Early-Stage Dementia, and it tells us even more about ourselves.  As Jews, as Yehudim, as people who are so closely connected with Judah and with Caleb, we will reach our Promised Land when we achieve and bring to the world this balance of Mindfulness and Feelingfulness.

 

And as an exercise in Feeling as a person with MEE Mild Emotional Enhancement does, we can feel the sound of Caleb's name (in Hebrew Kolev) together with feeling the promise of Caleb's descendants entering the Land of Israel, and this results in the first words of the Israel national anthem:

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כלב  >>>>>  וזרעו יורישנה  >>>>>  כל עוד בלבב​

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June 22, 2025     Parashat Korach      Aaron's Dance with the Living~Dying Duet

 

This week's Torah portion of Korach tells not only the history of my dementia but also shows me my next step, which I hadn't thought of before reading this portion.  Numbers 16:29 "die like all people do" for me refers to pre-dementia, when I was forgetting things but thought it was normal aging and that I would live normally and die normally.  Then Numbers 16:33 describes the horror of my dementia diagnosis, which was to "go down alive into the black pit, to be overwhelmed by the world and cut off from society".  As I struggled with dealing with Living and Dying in my life, the phrase I developed (and was living by until I read this week's Torah portion) was "When Living and Dying Dance a Duet, What Music Will You Play?".  I felt Living and Dying were dancing in my life, and that the best I could do was to play music that might influence their Living~Dying Duet and how I relate to it.

 

It didn't occur to me that I could join this duet, but reading Korach changed that in one verse.  Aaron saw many people were dying of a plague, that Living and Dying were dancing their duet throughout the people of Israel and had killed many.  What he did next was stunning -- he didn't just sing a song to try to influence this Living~Dying Duet.  Numbers 17:13 tells us he jumped into the Living~Dying Duet and danced with them: "And he stood between the dead and the living, and the plague was stopped".  Joining the Living~Dying Duet impacts the dance, whether stopping the plague or providing temporary reprieve by acting against the terror of dementia.

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Wow, what we learn from Aaron.  Aaron shows us that Living and Dying are not just things that happen to us.  We can do as Aaron did, become a participant with this Living~Dying Duet and even lead the dance of our Living and of our Dying.  The phrase I used before changes to "When Living and Dying Dance a Duet, How Will You Join the Dance?".  With dementia we need to do this while we still can, after our diagnosis and before we lose the ability to lead the dance.  This is beautiful and gives us choice within this horrible condition -- rather than falling into the black pit which is part of our reality, we can lead our Living as we are able to and decide how our Dying will happen.

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June 29, 2025     Parashat Chukat     The Dementia Desert

 

This week's portion of Chukat includes a behavior of the people of Israel that has occurred repetitively through the previous portions of Beha'alotcha, Shlach, and Korach, and now in Chukat.  This behavior jumps out immediately for anyone who is familiar with dementia.

 

A common indicator of dementia is repetitive behavior by the person with dementia.  This may be ongoing repeating of certain body movements, repeating of certain noises, or repeating of other behaviors.  Very frequently this is repeating of a certain word or phrase without consideration or concern about its appropriateness in the current environment.

 

Across the four portions mentioned above the People of Israel repeat the refrain that it was better for them in Egypt than it is facing devastation in the desert.  In Beha'alotcha this refrain is at Numbers 11:4, in Shlach at 14:2, in Korach at 16:13 and 17:27, and in Chukat at 20:3 and 21:5.  In each case Hashem's/Moses' response is comparable to that of a Caregiver for a person with dementia, which adds to the connection between the people of Israel's behavior and the repetitiveness that is characteristic of dementia.

 

As a person with Early-Stage Dementia I readily recognize at least one other dementia-like behavior in the people of Israel.  With dementia, long-term memory remains in place while short-term memory and even awareness of current conditions can be completely erased.  In the description in Beha'alotcha the people were able to remember many details of what they ate in Egypt while they had great difficulty in dealing with the food that was currently available to them.

 

And one more comparison between the people of Israel who had left Egypt and people with dementia -- no one gets out of it alive.  All die in a terrible wilderness.

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July 6, 2025 Parashat Balak      How Goodly ​Are Your Tents O Jacob, Your Traveling Tabernacles O Israel

 

The Torah portion of Balak includes at Numbers 24:5 the well-known verse that is commonly translated as "How goodly are your tents O Jacob, your dwelling places O Israel".​  A very different understanding of what this verse is saying about the People of Israel comes from a dementia perspective on this passage.

 

Verse 24:1 talks about turning attention to the wide-open desert, a large unchanging place, and Verse 24:6 about the flow of rivers, that can take you to unknown places in a matter of moments.  Th​ese ​v​erses are describing extreme stability and extreme change.

 

Verse 24:5 is between these two verses.  Within this context the "goodly tents" does not mean that the tents are pretty or comfortable or big. Between the two extremes​ of stability and change, verse 24:5 is pointing to the wisdom of the people of Israel in their knowing that their nature, even their strength, is their ability and readiness to move from place to place with changes in their surroundings even if everything looked very stable. How wise is your awareness that changes are part of your nature, and that you are a people of readiness to adjust to these changes. This has been true since our beginning as a people. Before we became the tribe of Judah (Jews), and before we became the ch​ildren of Israel (Jacob/Israel), we were the Hebrews, the Ivrim, from the word Ovrim people who move from place to place.

 

Changing circumstances, changes to ourselves and to the world we feel around us, facing an ​e​ndless desert and streams that can carry us ​roughly away -- verse 24:5 tells those of us with dementia that the Torah is aware of our difficulties as we seek a place to live and a way to live ​t​he best we can with changes​ that happen. The Torah helps us realize that our "tents" are transitory and that we can ​b​ring our tabernacles of belief with us ​as the changes​ happen.

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July 13, 2025     Parashat Pinchas    The Whole Family Goes to War Against Dementia

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Much of this week's portion of Pinchas is about preparations for going out to battle, and dealing with dementia is compared to fighting a battle as shown in the portion of Ki Tetzei (September 8, 2024).  Part of the preparation is to count the number of soldiers that are available, as Moses is commanded in Numbers 26:2.  The way this count is done is not just statistical but very much includes awareness of the human aspect of going to war.

 

The portion tells that each tribe is counted, and uses the same expression when telling of the count of each tribe.  The way that the tribe of Zevulun is counted in Numbers 26:26-27 shows the pattern: "The sons of Zevulun after their families: of Sered, the family of the Seredites; of Elon, the family of the Elonites; of Jahleel, the family of the Jahleelites.  These are the families of the Zevulunites according to those that were numbered of them, threescore thousand and five hundred".  The name of the tribe is given first, in this case Zevulun,  and at the end of the description is the total count of potential soldiers, in this case 60,500.  Between these the name of each of the sons of Zevulun is given together with the phrase "the family of", for example "Sered, the family of the Seredites".  No count is given of Sered and his family, the mention of the families is not given to achieve the overall count.

 

So why is the son's name given, together with the inclusion of the son's family?  This is a very human topic, not simply a count.  Dementia is not about just the person who has it, it strongly affects all who are around the person.  The immediate family is most directly affected, such as "the family of the Seredites".  The Torah is telling us to recognize and be ready for the impact of dementia across the whole community, in this example the tribe of Zevulun.  And like going to war, dealing with dementia is often horribly difficult across an extended period of time.  It is very hard to face the oncoming of the dementia battle, and the portion of Pinchas takes the time -- tribe by tribe and family by family -- to tell us how we all must be ready to face the terrible foe of dementia.

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July 20, 2025     Parashat Matot-Masei:  The Ghastly Choice that Dementia Brings

 

When Jews make choices they are to take the community into account as well as themselves.  In this week's portion of Matot-Masei, the Torah tells us in Numbers 32 that the tribes of Gad and Reuben chose to leave their own lands to help the rest of the tribes, with the possibility to return to their own lands afterward.  The community, as well as themselves, were part the choice they made.

 

Similarly, Deuteronomy 30:19 tells Jews to make a choice based on their families as well as on themselves.  "Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live".  If this was a command for a person to live as long as possible then the se​cond part of the verse would be unnecessary.  As it is written the verse gives Jews a choice about living that takes into account their living and also their childrens' living -- and in tragic cases it is a choice of either one or the other.  The Torah does not make this choice but rather gives the choice to the person to make.

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Dementia devastates -- it devastates the patient, the family, and all those touched by it.  The choice of one's own life versus the family or community is quite immediate and often in great conflict.  Providing for a dementia patient can take more energy, capability, and resources than the family or community can provide.  A dementia patient facing this situation has to make a choice -- to live even at a sustenance level which can literally prevent their family from living, or to limit their own living so that the family can live at the level of their needs.

 

This unspeakable choice is one of the horrors that dementia devastation brings.

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July 27, 2025    Parashat Dvarim     Dementia's Surrealistic Landscape

 

A person who enters the world of dementia feels the differences from the pre-dementia world in many ways.  The reliable becomes doubted, the certain becomes uncertain, the settled becomes transitory, the clear becomes cloudy, night becomes day, homeland becomes wilderness.  Dementia not only means that the standards and assumptions the person has lived by up to now are gone, it also means the person has to learn a new way of relating to themself and their world.  As we've seen in earlier portions the Torah knows how to describe what it's like to live with dementia, and in this week's portion of Dvarim it does so briefly and concisely in two verses.

 

Deuteronomy 1:32-33 lays out the aspects mentioned above of this difficult new world in a few words, which of itself is a reflection of dementia -- there are no guidebooks and bits of understanding are surrounded by much unknown.  Let's look at how the Torah describes the dementia world:

• the reliable becomes doubted - "in this thing ye do not believe the LORD your God", we no longer rely on the guidance we've lived our lives by up to now

• the certain becomes uncertain - "to seek you out a place", we used to have a routine in life that has been replaced by constantly trying to understand where we are

• the settled becomes transitory - "to pitch your tents in", instead of the permanent things like housing that we used to have, our life has become temporary like tents

• night becomes day - "in fire by night, to show you by what way you should go", time itself is changed, the rest we had at night has become active like day

• the clear becomes cloudy - "in the cloud by day", the sunny skies that had allowed us to see our world clearly are now clouds that make much of our world invisible or unclear

• homeland becomes wilderness - "and in the wilderness", all of this is happening in an uncharted territory that is completely unfamiliar.

The Torah tells us that we are not alone in what we are experiencing in our new landscape, but that these challenges of finding our way are a part of what living with dementia is like.

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August 3, 2025     Parashat Ve'etchanan     Will We Leave the Mark That We Want To?

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In the first word of this week's Torah portion Moses expresses a concern that is particularly felt by many people with dementia.  Moses describes how important it is to him to leave his mark the way he wants to, of leading the people of Israel across the Jordan River -- that he pleaded with God and implored ve'etchanan to be able do so, but he was denied.  Moses left his mark in many ways such as bringing the people of Israel out of Egypt and receiving the Ten Commandments which show the good important things he did in his life, but it will also be remembered that he was not the person who led the people of Israel into the Promised Land.

 

A person with dementia led a life prior to diagnosis, and should be remembered for the mark from that life.  Dementia threatens that mark.  As dementia advances through the final weeks and months and years of the person's life, and his family and community are intensely involved in providing care over a long period of time, these memories of the terrible period of care may shadow or overshadow the many years of joy and strength that the person had brought previously.  The person's mark may be affected by this terrible final period of life, and as Moses tried to do it takes special effort for a person with dementia to leave the mark that they want to -- and to avoid the result that Moses had, of not fully leaving their mark.

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August 10, 2025     Parashat Ekev     Dementia Teaches Faith

 

Dementia gets rid of certainty.  The assumptions of life that were in place before the diagnosis, that activities and capabilities and ways of relating to self / world are on a path that will more or less stay the same, are gone.  As a person moves into the dementia world it becomes clearer that previous assumptions about control and continuity have been replaced by loss of mental and physical capabilities, need to adjust to new circumstances, search for what can be relied on amid constant and sometimes fast-moving change, and increasing dependence on others for help with things that could be done alone and effortlessly.

 

This week's portion of Ekev points exactly to the characteristics of dementia as those that build faith.  Deuteronomy 8:17 warns against a person thinking that their own power has gotten them what they have, in other words warns against the pre-dementia assumptions of one's control over themselves, their environment, and their future.  The next verse explicitly says there are other, unknowable forces at work in everything that happens in a person's life, with "unknowable forces" being constantly present for a person with dementia.  Dementia shows a person that certainty can quickly transform into uncertainty, that permanence can become precarious as a central assumption of life.  Faith is by choice, and the Torah says that self-certainty carries a large danger of moving a person away from faith.  The realization of uncertainty and transition is a powerful force in strengthening faith.

 

The Torah gives this message many times in many ways.  The blessed awareness of transition in "how goodly are your tents O Jacob" (temporary tents) compares strongly with the evil illusion of stability in Deuteronomy 8:12 "when you have built good houses and live in them" (solid houses).  The name of this people, Hebrews (Ivrim), itself indicates transition and passage.

 

Learning about dementia, and even more so living with dementia, is a lesson in eliminating the certainties that as the Torah says can obstruct the development of faith.

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August 17, 2025     Parashat Re'eh     Dementia: When "Different" is Accepted

 

Being an "other", being someone who behaves differently than the norm, is difficult in many societies and in many situations.  Sometimes such people are persecuted or even killed for being out-of-the-normal, as happened for example in the Salem witch trials among many other places and periods.  Often there is no particular characterization of what makes a person different, and social forces can take over and bring many different people into the definition of "other".

 

This week's portion of Re'eh shows that the Torah uses a different approach, one that is more protective of a person who behaves differently than others.  Deuteronomy 13:2 is about the presence of a person who is different: "If there arise in the midst of thee a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams--and he give thee a sign or a wonder", that is, a person who thinks, talks, or acts differently than the norm from whatever reason such as dementia.  The next verse limits action against the person to being dependent on two conditions: "and the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spoke unto thee--saying: 'Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them'", that is, the person made a prediction that then occurred and also that the person used their "other" behavior to draw the people of Israel away from their beliefs.  If both of these conditions are fulfilled then the person is to be put to death, otherwise no special action is to be undertaken.

 

The approach described in Parashat Re'eh is liberating to a person with dementia.  The Torah's allowance for a person who may be considered as "other", and limitation of situations in which actions may be taken against such a person, offers protections for the person that have been severely lacking in places that run by different rules.

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August 24, 2025     Parashat Shoftim      When Different becomes Dementia

 

In last week's portion of Re'eh the Torah said that being different is not of itself a problem.  A "dreamer of dreams" is acceptable as long as the person does not try to lead the people of Israel astray.  In this week's portion of Shoftim the Torah in Deuteronomy 18:10-11 describes the next level of "different": "There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, one that useth divination, a soothsayer, or an enchanter, or a sorcerer, or a charmer, or one that consulteth a ghost or a familiar spirit, or a necromancer".  These are people who behave in a way that is outside the communal norm to such a degree that they must be separated from the community.  Even so their behavior is not considered criminal and they are not to be punished.  This very much parallels the behavior of people with middle-stage dementia, who on the one hand are still functional and able to carry out various activities, but on the other hand behave in such a way that puts themselves and members of the community at risk.  They require special attention in their housing and in monitoring their behavior, but they are not considered or related to as criminals.

 

This contrast between "different" as described in last week's portion including how such people are related to, and "different" in this week's portion, provides us guidance both in how to identify people with dementia and how to relate to them.  Their condition is recognized and they are part of the community, and at the same time they require treatment and a degree of separation that is good for both them and for the community.

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August 31, 2025  -  Parashat Ki Tetze  -  Going Out from Where You're Used to Being

The words of the first verse of this week's portion of Ki Tetze at Deuteronomy 21:10 are like magic in describing exactly how I feel with my early-stage dementia condition.  The text of this verse is:

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This verse has a different meaning when read as providing guidance to a person with dementia:​

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"When you go out from where you're used to being, and things that were normal become very difficult for you, and you face very different challenges than you have ever known before, then if you go into your innermost authentic self you will find there how to make them a beautiful part of you". 

 

May we each be blessed in our challenges and in how we take them with us.

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September 7, 2025     Parashat Ki Tavo      In Dementia, Living and Dying Dance a Duet

 

Dementia sharpens a person's awareness of living and dying as the reality and the results of dementia set in: Dying makes Living more immediate, and Living makes Dying more meaningful.  They are no longer separate topics but rather both are actively present for the person, dancing a Living~Dying Duet in the person's life.  The person is Living but the deterioration of Dying is constantly present.  Dementia brings the realization of the connection between them and how each affects awareness of the other.

 

This understanding of the duet that Living and Dying are dancing is highlighted in this week's portion of Ki Tavo.  In two consecutive verses the Torah describes a situation of Living and a situation of Dying, and connects them by using virtually identical language for both.  Deuteronomy 26:13 talks about sustaining the living who are in difficult circumstances -- the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow.  The next verse talks about not eating in the presence of the dying, during the period of mourning or to the dead.  This is the contrast, and the connector between Living and Dying is the phrase "according to all Thy commandment which Thou hast commanded me" in the first verse and "according to all that Thou hast commanded me" in the second.  The contrasting topics of Living and Dying are related to using virtually the same verbiage, they are dancing a duet while their differences are very clear.

 

A person with dementia constantly feels the dance of the Living~Dying Duet, both the stark differences between them and the connection of how they are dancing together within the person's life.

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September 14, 2025  -  Parashat Nitzavim   "Therefore Choose Life"

 

Deuteronomy 30:19 expresses how I relate to my condition of Early-Stage Dementia, and guides me in a decision I'll have to make.  In this verse the Torah tells me that it's up to me to choose between four: life, death, blessings, and curses.  And then the Torah guides me in this choice to choose life in a way that is fulfilling for myself and for my seed -- for me this is to express what I am feeling and learning from this condition such as at Therefore Choose Life, in public talks, etc.  At the same time I'm alert to changes in my condition that mean that soon I will not be capable to choose to live a life that is meaningful for me and for my seed, that dementia will take that choose-life capability from me.  When I approach that stage I may make a different choice that the Torah offers me to make, perhaps that of choosing death.  I am not an observant Jew but yes I'm glad to get Jewish guidance to choose both life and death that are fulfilling for me.​​